50-Year-Old “Kid” Doesn’t Get How He Could Be Insulting Queer People By Insulting Queer People

NASHVILLE, TN: Bob “Kid Rock” Ritchie, local Tennessee restaurateur, hobbyist musician, and half-melted wizard candle from Spencer’s Gifts that erroneously was left in a car in the mall parking lot on a hot day then hastily pushed back together and covered with strips of a US flag, was caught on film using an epithet that rhymes with “maggot” to attempt to shut down fans taping at a recent performance. Perhaps best known for his “I’m a regular guy in A-Shirts, not a millionaire, please pay $15 for fries” restaurant, Ritchie was thoroughly castigated on social media for this. He then defended his actions on Twitter by saying anyone who didn’t understand that he didn’t mean anything by using the word that rhymes with “maggot” probably was one, while insisting that he has gay friends.

While we applaud Mr. Ritchie’s attempt to broker a peace between his alter ego and the entirety of the queer community, we feel his attempt fell a touch short. Perhaps, Mr. Ritchie, you might try again to get down from that petard you’re currently hung up on. We suggest, as a token of acknowledgement for what you very obviously know was an error, donating a million American dollars to TGIJP.org, along with a statement of apology that makes it very clear that as the queer ally you claim to be, you wish to combat the backlash of assault and violence that a public defense of that certain word that rhymes with “maggot” will encourage.