Kink vs Identity in the LGBTQ+ Community
“Can we just not talk about sex? I really don’t want to hear about all that personal stuff.”
“But…this is not just about sex. This is my passion in life and my reason for existing. This is who I am, and I don’t want to hide that.”
Years ago, such a conversation might never have made it out in the open. Generations that saw the early to mid-1900s always understood that what you did in private, stayed private. Otherwise, people faced ostracism, the loss of their jobs, families, and reputation in the community.
Today, in Western civilization, we thankfully live in a more liberal and open-minded society. We don’t have to live in shame, just because we’re born different or enjoy different things. We don’t have to be in the closet if we don’t want to.
There’s also enough information online that people can educate themselves if there’s something they don’t understand. Bigotry has no excuse, right?
But what happens when we go beyond just the LGBT label and start embracing kinks, lifestyles, and alternative worldviews as a part of our sexual identity – maybe even our core values?
That’s when the line between kink and identity gets blurry, personal, and sometimes political.
Now, we’re talking about how people express who they are and what they’re into and how those two things sometimes overlap—and sometimes really shouldn’t.
Let’s crack this open:
🧠 First: What Do We Mean by Kink vs Identity?
- Kink: A sexual interest, act, or fantasy that goes beyond “vanilla” sex—think BDSM, roleplay, power dynamics, fetishes, etc. It’s usually behavior-based and can be situational.
- Identity: Your sense of self—who you are in the world. This could include gender, orientation, relationship style, and how you move through personal or social spaces.
Another way to look at it would be to say that kink and identity do share some similarities such as:
- What you do doesn’t harm anyone else – it’s your freedom and right as an individual
- This part of yourself doesn’t change your overall character, even though others (like conservative-minded family or friends) might have reservations
- It doesn’t negatively affect society
On the other hand, kink becomes its own thing when we start to think of the nuances.
- Sexual fantasies are not related to identity – they are more related to personal therapy
- There is still a time and a place for privacy, especially in public where there might be laws against public sexual acts or nudity
- No one has to accept your kink or mine – they just have to respect the human being
Identity is More Important Than Kink
It’s also important to note that some still consider sexual or gender identity to be “kink,” which is a biased and some believe invalid argument.
For example, a 2010 book, Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, even suggested a link between complex and industrialized societies and LGBTQ identity, including kink. In other words, the society built around us contributes to our sexual identity.
The authors also suggested that monogamy was an unnatural state, and that’s why so many relationship problems exist. The book was controversial, to say the least.
Nevertheless, sexual identity and orientation will always have a more significant impact on one’s life than just kink or fetish. Sexual identity can be part of your core values, and fighting on the right side of history is noble.
Spending too much time on developing the kink, and providing examples of said kink, well that’s just writing your own Kama Sutra, isn’t it?
What you enjoy doing with a lover is not the point of activism. The point of activism is defending you and your neighbor’s right to do as they please, without persecution.
This all seems easy to grasp, but let’s take it a step further.
What happens when your kink looks like an identity… or when your identity is treated like a kink?
🕸️ Some Tangly, Real-World Examples
1. Submissive Straight Men Who Love “Gay” Play
- They might get off on submitting to men, being feminized, or being “used” by dudes—but swear they’re not gay or even bi.
- For them, it’s a kink, not an orientation.
- Some queer people feel this cheapens the actual gay experience, while others say “cool, fluidity.”
💬 Where’s the line between exploration, fetishization, and identity?
2. Fetishizing Trans People or Racial Identities
- Some people claim they’re “into trans women” or “into Black guys” as a kink—but not interested in them outside of sex.
- This often gets called out as fetishization, because it reduces identity to a sexual novelty.
- For the people being fetishized, it can feel dehumanizing—like their existence is only valid when it’s erotic.
💬 So when does a kink cross into disrespect or erasure of someone’s lived reality?
3. Being a “Leather Daddy” or “Pup” as an Identity
- In queer spaces, some kinks are full-blown identities and subcultures.
- Leather culture: rooted in post-WWII queer rebellion.
- Pup play: has packs, headspaces, handlers, and communities.
- Leather culture: rooted in post-WWII queer rebellion.
- These folks don’t just “do” kink—they live it. It’s a form of expression, belonging, even activism.
💬 When does a kink stop being something you “like” and become something you “are”?
4. Gender Play vs Gender Identity
- Some cis-men enjoy being feminized, crossdressed, or called “sissy” in scenes.
- It might be part of a humiliation or power dynamic kink—not a desire to transition or be seen as a woman.
💬 Is it just roleplay, or a deeper unspoken gender fluidity? Or both?
This gets especially tricky because:
- Some trans people have to fight against their identity being seen as “just a kink.”
- Meanwhile, some people discover they’re trans through kink play.
Some trans people have admitted that after transitioning and experimenting for some time, their initial likes and dislikes changed with experience.
Whereas before transitioning (and in the closet) they might have been attracted to something like cross-dressing porn or transformation porn, when they actually come out and become more comfortable in their true bodies, they might lose appetite for the kink.
But rarely do they lose appetite for gender identity or orientation. They no longer crave the fantasy; they might even see that type of porn as exploitative and out-of-touch.
This is not to say that any personal catharsis or experimentation is wrong or misguided. Kinks are simply a tool or an avenue to come to terms with your true self.
⚖️ The Emotional & Ethical Tension
It gets complicated again when you consider emotional and ethical considerations.
Kinks are normal and healthy overall. But don’t we also owe something to our friends, lovers, and acquaintances, if our kinks start to affect them?
- We agree – kinks can be spaces to explore feelings around power, identity, and shame in a safe, consensual way.
- But they can also perpetuate stereotypes or harm, especially when they involve marginalized identities being reduced to sex objects.
For example:
- Saying “I’m only into Black tops” or “I only date femme Asians” isn’t just a preference—it can reflect internalized racism and exotification. (It’s no longer about personal attraction; it becomes about certain people living up to the stereotype, which enforces a problematic or even bigoted point of view in the person)
- Calling yourself “not gay” while using gay people as props for your kink can feel exploitative.
Yet, not every kink is a red flag—nuance matters. Consent, awareness, and context are key.
🌈 How the Queer Community Navigates This
- Community spaces (like leather bars, pup events, kink nights) often serve both kink and identity—a space where people feel safe expressing their full selves.
- Some people build chosen families or social networks around their kink role, not just their orientation.
- Criticism exists, too—especially around exclusion, racism, classism, or misogyny in kink spaces that brand themselves as “liberated.”
This is why it might help to find an authority figure you respect (whether researchers, thought leaders, politicians, or LGBTQIA+ advocates) and keep up-to-date with ethical considerations.
In addition, joining forums and other local or online safe spaces with our peers is good for brainstorming, sharing anecdotes, and, at times, educating ourselves on nuanced issues we’ve never considered before.
Discussing kinks and identity among support groups can help expand one’s worldview, and keep us learning new things, rather than closing our minds to different opinions.
🧭 Where’s the Line?
Honestly? The line between kink and identity is a personal one. However, having a respectful view of others’ sexualities, kinks, and personal preferences is also important.
A few questions can help you to determine that line:
- Does this kink reflect who I am, and my character, or just what I like?
- Do I need this to feel like myself, or is it a scenario I enjoy?
- Am I objectifying someone else’s identity for my pleasure?
- Am I safe, consensual, and respectful in how I explore this?
If you’re self-aware and willing to unpack your desires and discuss these issues with others in a peaceable and empathetic manner, you’re already doing some good in the world.
Why K is Not Part of LGBTQIA+ According to Experts
Some authority figures in the LGBTQIA+ community do resist the idea of adding K to the community, even if they do agree with the concept that K is an important part of culture and at times, identity.
Alexander Cheves, Advocate writer, states that “[I] love being kinky, and I love the words that define me. But I’m hesitant to put K on the acronym…Adding K is problematic because it runs the risk of oversimplifying identities like “lesbian” and “trans” to sexual fetishes and assumes that all kinky people are queer (they’re not).”
Yes, many kinksters remain hesitant in the same spirit, even though they do agree that kinks can be related to identity; after all, leather culture is a queer invention and very important in a historical context.
Love vs Lust in Kink
Many mirror the sentiment expressed by author and activist Dan Savage, who says “Being into baby bonnets or bondage isn’t about who you love, it’s about how you love.”
The conversation gets more complex when we discuss the “spectrum of sexuality” (pioneered by Alfred Kinsey, and further researched by Fritz Klein and Michael Storms) that is far more fluid and fluctuating than the “born queer” precept that the early LGBT community pioneered.
We are obviously free to explore our innate instincts, just as we are free to choose sexual orientations, genders, and lifestyles.
The common denominator is feelings, namely how our hearts are involved in the culture we help to shape.
Yes, some people draw the kink vs identity line at separating love from sex, or genuine human affection (as for a good friend) versus casual conversation, which is mostly uneventful.
We’re allowed to have purely sexual or even non-sexual kink encounters with other people.
But that exploration doesn’t really define passion or an aim in life. We are all more than just a passing sexual thought and an escapist fantasy.
That’s the point behind fetishizing people. We can be kinky but respectful, curious but resolute in who we are – which is very often a work in progress.
Kink vs. Identity FAQs
Read on for more questions on the kink community and how it fits into sexual identity.
Where can you find and identify local kink communities?
It’s easy to find local kink communities online by searching Google or your favorite social media site, which may have pages detailing their event schedules.
Kinksters are also very active at LGBTQIA+ events, and are easy to spot based on their clothing (i.e. leather), as well as the fact that they meet together as a group, rather than just single people.
Kinksters also tend to be theatrical and may have eye-catching exhibitions, floats, and other events designed to attract attention. Don’t be shy – go up and say hello and ask questions.
What are some examples of kink, and kink vs. identity?
Kink usually means an unconventional or atypical sexual preference or a behavior that’s not “vanilla” or otherwise mainstream.
This can include a wide scope of individual practices such as bondage, roleplay, voyeurism, dirty talk, or spanking.
However, kink can also include more “extreme” acts of foreplay, such as gagging, humiliation, breath play, cutting, or anal training.
Identity, in contrast, refers to orientation, sexual preference, gender, or other issues related to sexuality and one’s individual self.
Are BDSM and kink the same thing?
You might say that BDSM is just one example of kink and specifically refers to (B)ondage, (D)ominance/Discipline, (S)ubmission, and (M)asochism.
While many view BDSM as “extreme” (because kinksters in “the life” like to explore taboos) not all practices are extreme.
People playing in the lifestyle must always keep things sane, Safe, and Consensual.
This moral code involves people:
- Meeting beforehand to discuss boundaries and “hard/soft limits”
- Using “safe words” to tell a person to stop or slow down
- And spending “aftercare” time with a partner after a session ends to improve communication
- These rules are not only a part of BDSM but all respectable kink communities
What’s the difference between kink and fetish?
The wording is similar for kink and fetish, but fetish specifically means arousal caused by an “object or a specific thing.”
In that sense, fetishizing a person (outside of the context of BDSM/roleplay) could be problematic, as people don’t want to be stereotyped, objectified, or “used” for selfish purposes.
🛠️ TL;DR: Kink vs Identity = Both/And, Not Either/Or
- Kinks can reveal, shape, or coexist with identity.
- Sometimes they’re just fantasy. Sometimes they’re how we discover the truth.
- The line is fluid, and that’s okay—as long as we approach it with curiosity, not entitlement.