Kink as Therapy
“Know all the theories, master all the techniques, but as you touch a human soul, be just another human soul.”
-Carl Jung
In his day, Carl Jung was the greatest mind working in psychotherapy, perhaps even toppling Sigmund Freud as the all-time best.
And yet Jung’s wisdom is surprisingly simple. While it helps to retain knowledge and the mechanics of psychology, effective therapy also requires the very human qualities of humility and empathy.
And if you ask any experienced kinkster in the queer community, they will agree that the human connection means everything.
When you’re working with another person one-on-one, they’re not going to remember the complex concepts of psychotherapy you’re addressing. But they will remember your tenderness, your patience, and your willingness to listen.
The idea of kink as therapy—especially in the queer community—isn’t just about pleasure. It’s often about reclaiming power, healing trauma, exploring identity, and rewriting the script that society tried to force on us.
This discussion is going to be deep, powerful, healing, messy, and beautiful all at once.
Let’s get into it!
🧠 Kink as Therapy: What Does That Even Mean?
When we say “kink as therapy,” we don’t necessarily mean clinical psychotherapy. It’s more like:
- Emotional catharsis
- Somatic release (healing through the body)
- Rewiring harmful narratives or traumas
- Creating safety, trust, and vulnerability
In the queer community, where many people have experienced shame, repression, bullying, religious trauma, or medical pathologization, kink becomes a playground for working through those wounds on your own terms.
Sometimes you will notice that active sessions of kink therapy will involve “scenes” of two or more characters interacting with each other.
A Short History of Kink, BDSM…and Therapy?
While kink in the general sense is probably as old as humankind (just what was with Adam and Eve’s obsession with snakes? Kidding…)
The real history of “Kink Therapy” as we know it comes from the etymology of the word sadomasochism.
The origin of these words has changed over the years. But at one time, sadism and masochism were considered stressful encounters, usually among non-consenting partners.
Writers like Marquis de Sade and Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch observed this about the human experience—that the exchange of emotional or physical pain could be pleasurable.
They probably observed this as active participants. Allegedly, Sade derived pleasure from causing pain, whereas Masoch enjoyed some degree of torture from his lovers.
Theirs wasn’t exactly a complex psychological analysis. In fact, during their day, no concrete text on psychoanalysishad been written yet.
But as psychoanalysis began to take shape and “science/medicine” slowly became a booming industry, great minds of the 19th and 20th centuries began to study concepts of sadomasochism.
Heinrich Kaan, Richard von Krafft-Ebing, and later Sigmund Freud began studying sadomasochism as relates to trauma, namely mental disorders resulting from what they believed was incorrect development of the child’s psyche.
Modern Therapy is Not Always Sexy Enough
In the modern age, we’ve realized that the extremist views of 200-year-old doctors may not be the most practical advice for today.
Still, you might notice that modern therapy and psychology are very steeped in “self-improvement,” learning coping mechanisms, and talking solutions out.
But this modern approach is far too conservative for many people who don’t know how to process their trauma, feelings, and kinky attractions.
This is one reason why kink is so popular today. It takes a much heavier, aggressive, and almost “Freudian” approach to traditional therapy.
We don’t just talk about feelings. We relive experiences, this time with greater understanding and maturity in how we process those recurring feelings. We don’t just discuss hypotheticals. We find out firsthand how our bodies and minds react to what challenges us.
And ever since at least the 1950s, we have been exploring kink and sexuality with more freedom and less censorship than ever before.
Along the way though, it is important remember, (as in the words of Carl Jung who succeeded Freud and stepped back from his mentor’s dogmatic approach to psychotherapy) that true therapy is about connecting to each other with mutual love, respect, and the desire to help.
All the kink and the science mean nothing if we don’t approach the situation from a place of healing.
Now that we have a basic understanding of where kink therapy comes from, let’s actually break down how it works and what to expect from it.
How Does Kink Therapy Work?
You might consider kink therapy as “kink-affirming therapy,” meaning it explores some taboos and issues you might not be comfortable with at first – but which you are strongly attracted to.
The goal here is to explore your kink in a safe way, with a view toward removing “pain” from the kink and reclaiming your power and happiness. By mastering your feelings and overcoming fear associated with the kink, you are actually developing productive ways of dealing with stress.
It sounds like therapy and yet it isn’t “real therapy.”
However, even in something as experimental as kink therapy, we still have rules and safe practices to follow.
Creating a Safe and Open-Minded Environment
First, in order for any “therapy” to work, the environment has to be safe physically and emotionally.
A non-judgmental attitude will help everyone feel at ease, even when they feel their most vulnerable. There is no right or wrong, and nothing is sinful or dirty.
We’re discussing feelings in this space, including past traumas. In these “kink sessions,” the experienced partner tries to create a non-judgmental and affirming environment where the other partner can openly speak about their kink without being mocked or lectured.
Establishing Boundaries and Consent
Full consent means that there are no surprises, no coercion, and no taking advantage of someone’s ignorance. Part of having a safe environment is making sure that all partners consent to what is happening, and be aware of what’s coming.
Boundaries refer to how far you can comfortably go in experimenting, and how far you are willing to try new things with an open mind.
Sometimes in kink, you may hear the term “soft/hard limits.”
Soft limits are what you are comfortable doing and what you can handle without any stress.
Hard limits are what you cannot and will not do, and do not have any interest in trying. Under no circumstances should someone be pushed into surpassing their hard limits. This is an unforgivable sin in the kink community!
You may be malleable regarding some soft limits and be ready to push yourself into trying new experiences or related kinks. But your kink partner should always respect your hard limits and not push you too far outside your comfort zone.
The failure to respect your boundaries could be seen as nonconsensual play.
Communication and Negotiation
Nothing is implied in this kind of relationship. Communication should always be open and negotiated so that both partners are 100% comfortable and can maintain trust.
Dealing with such taboo kinks will be emotionally intense, so there is a need to communicate with your partner before, during, and after sessions.
Before
Involves discussing what will happen in detail and making sure both partners are comfortable with the “scene” unfolding. It’s good to go over the scene a few times, perhaps in written form and then once again verbally, just to make sure everyone is on the same page.
Now is the part where you both discuss “Safe Words” and other cues to remember in case things get too uncomfortable.
Check-ins can be as simple as asking, “Are you OK?” or developing your own “safewords” and “go on” terminology. (“Safeword” means: Stop! “Go on” means carefully moving forward with the scene.)
During
Even in the middle of an encounter, (where people sometimes go “into character”), it’s vital to check in and make sure the other person is still comfortable.
Remember that because trauma is involved, some partners can break down during a scene, and realize they’re not ready to try something they thought they could handle. This will require stopping the scene and providing immediate care and attention.
At times, one partner may even have to look and observe their partner to make sure they are still:
- Breathing properly
- Not in tears or getting upset
- Enjoying the feelings and scene
- Properly hydrated
- In a sound mind and not hallucinating, losing consciousness, feeling confused, etc.
After (Care)
Sometimes when scenes end, one or both partners can be emotionally and physically exhausted. This is not the time to leave, but to stay with a partner and care for them.
They may feel cold, extremely vulnerable, overheated, melancholic, or deal with strong feelings of stress or anxiety. Now is the time to stay with them and communicate only love and acceptance.
Dominance/Submission
While kink is not the same thing as BDSM, both share a system of dominance and submission. In kink therapy, typically, one partner is the dominant partne,r and the other is submissive.
The submissive partner is the one dealing with their issues and the one who usually reaches out to a dominant partner with a request for help.
The Dominant partner’s only purpose is to help the submissive person in whatever way they can. This is often done in a dominant role, where the experienced partner guides the other partner through the scene.
At no time in kink therapy is the Dominant role actually bullying the submissive in real life. This is a major misconception and the scourage of the kink and BDSM community who take rules far more seriously.
End Scene
Both partners agree to terms and may even write everything down in a contract, just to make sure everyone understands what’s going to happen.
The kink “relationship” is usually a short-term affair, and it’s not always sexual.
Due to the cathartic nature of kink therapy, it might be too intense to be an ongoing and indefinite relationship.
The scene (or a series of scenes) should end naturally when the submissive partner feels that they have accomplished something meaningful or reached a good state of mind.
Remember that kink therapy’s goal is the exploration of underlying Issues, and sometimes that means “discovering” something about one’s self. Forgotten memories, the subconscious mind, reaching an “epiphany” or a Eureka moment – that’s what people are reaching for.
And talking about your feelings, and new discoveries, is a great way to improve your overall well-being and good mental health.
In fact, the integration of therapy sessions into a person’s overall “well-being” is the aim of a traditional therapist, and the same dynamic is also true of kink therapy.
If we can use our pain, taboo fantasies, fears, and curiosities to make sense of our overall life narrative and sense of self, then kink therapy has worked.
Helping people reach greater self-acceptance and overall well-being is always the goal – and anyone who approaches this with selfish purposes doesn’t understand the first thing about the community.
🌈 Why Kink is Especially Powerful for Queer People
1. Reclaiming Shame
- Many queer people grow up being told that their desires are wrong, dirty, or sinful
- Kink lets them consciously play with what they were once ashamed of—but now with consent, control, and even pride.
Example: A former religious queer person might eroticize “blasphemy” or “confession” scenes to rewrite their internal shame with empowerment.
2. Reversing Power Dynamics
- If someone experiences abuse or marginalization, kink can allow them to choose their role this time.
- They can be dominant, submissive, service-oriented—whatever lets them feel seen and safe in their body again.
Example: A trans person who felt powerless during dysphoric medical exams may enjoy medical roleplay on their terms—with safewords, affirming partners, and pleasure.
3. Consent as a Sacred Tool
In kink, explicit negotiation and consent are standard—this alone is therapeutic.
- You talk about limits.
- You agree on boundaries.
- You can stop at any time.
For queer people who’ve experienced violations (of body, boundaries, or identity), this creates a healing container. You’re not just giving consent—you’re taking back your agency.
It’s self-empowerment and reclaiming the control you feel you’ve lost.
4. Creating Chosen Roles & Rituals
Kink offers structure—with rituals, titles, dynamics, and aftercare. It can feel spiritual or sacred.Example: Some queer leather folk treat scenes like rituals. A flogging can feel like meditation. A collaring can be as profound as a wedding. Aftercare can be deeper than therapy.
💥 Specific Kinks That Are Often Therapeutic in Queer Circles
| Kink Element | Possible Therapeutic Function |
| Impact play (spanking, flogging) | Releasing tension, reprocessing pain safely |
| Roleplay (e.g., teacher/student, priest/sinner) | Rewriting old traumas or social scripts |
| Bondage | Feeling secure, surrendering control in a safe environment |
| Service/Submission | Finding purpose, affirming worth, grounding in structure |
| Domination/Authority | Reclaiming power, especially for people who were silenced |
| Gender play | Exploring or affirming fluidity, safely performing beyond the binary |
These are not universally healing, of course. What’s cathartic for one person could be triggering for another. That’s why intentionality and aftercare matter so much.
💬 “Is It Actually Therapy Though?”
Yes and no.
- Yes, in the sense that it can be emotionally transformative and help people process trauma through embodiment and relational trust.
- No, in the sense that it doesn’t replace mental health professionals—especially when someone is actively in crisis.
BUT… some therapists, especially queer and kink-aware ones, incorporate elements of kink into therapeutic models like:
- Somatic therapy
- Trauma-informed care
- Parts work/Internal Family Systems (IFS)
- Psychedelic-assisted therapy (with kink as integration)
Some therapists even recommend kink as a form of bodywork, especially for trauma stored in the nervous system.
It’s not all that uncommon to actually find “Kink Therapists” offering professional services now, whether as experienced BDSM “Doms”, or even professional therapists who specialize in LGBTQIA+ or couples therapy and who want to work elements of kink therapy into their practice.
That said, it’s not right to say that kink therapy can work better than traditional therapy.
Traditional therapy is where you learn coping mechanisms and skills that teach you how to process trauma. Textbook study and real-world examples still work better, especially if you are struggling with depression or anger.
If you suffer from PTSD or other major health issues, don’t avoid therapy!
However, know that kink therapy is a supplementary solution that teaches you how to regain power over your own emotions. In that sense, it goes beyond education and helps you feel whole again.
You can explore this dynamic safely with a friend or acquaintance in the kink lifestyle who understands where you’re coming from.
🧷 The Role of Community and Scene Spaces
Therapeutic kink often thrives in queer-led, intentional spaces, like:
- Leather bars with dungeon nights
- Queer kink parties or camps (like Dark Odyssey, Bound, etc.)
- Radical Faerie sanctuaries
- Online communities centered on trust and education
In these spaces, there’s more likely to be:
- Education around consent
- Respect for gender and pronouns
- Emotional safety and support
It’s not just play—it’s communal healing.
⚠️ A Quick Word of Caution
While kink can be healing, it can also re-traumatize if done without:
- Communication
- Emotional maturity
- Trauma-awareness
Some people may chase catharsis too fast, or re-enact harm before they’re ready. That’s why aftercare, self-reflection, and sometimes even therapeutic guidance are key.
Finding a Dom who understands your specific traumas is also key.
It’s not enough to find someone who is “up to play.”
It’s very important that you find a partner who is sensitive to your needs, and is a good listener. He/she will be the one watching out for you and making sure you’re not pushing yourself beyond what you can handle.
It would also be accurate to say that the Dom partner is responsible for the well-being of the submissive partner. He or she must watch the sub’s reactions, communicate, and have a good idea of what practices might work in each individual case.
FAQs About Kink as Therapy
Have more questions about kink as therapy? Let’s discuss a few issues that might come up.
Is there anything wrong with kinks and fetishes?
No, as long as these kinks don’t involve doing anything illegal or to hurt someone else.
Understand that some people may want to simulate non-consent or extreme roleplay as a means to take back what they lost in past trauma.
But this is not the same as acting out coercion, bullying, or predatory behavior in real life.
Kink therapy would not be recommended for someone suffering from criminal impulses. The best option in this case would be to see a qualified mental health professional.
Can’t you just control your kink?
Contrary to popular belief (which oftentimes comes from religious dogma), you cannot always “control” your kink.
And this is why some seek out kink as therapy because it’s a way to stop bottling up or “controlling” your desire – and instead to embrace it, and tackle it in a safe manner.
Kink-affirming therapy helps you unburden the guilt and realize that it’s OK to feel guilt or shame, but that those feelings don’t have to define you. It’s OK to have kinks, even if they are unconventional. You can separate those feelings from your true self-identity.
Moreover, you learn about self-acceptance and that society is responsible for the shame, not you. In many ways, kink therapy is about learning to get go of shame and past traumas involving family, friends, enemies, and all of society.
How can kink help with specific traumas?
It’s not fair to say that kink is a catch-all solution to various problems. What works for one person will usually not work for someone else.
If anything, kink is highly specific and related to your individual history. Time should be spent with both partners learning from each other, through stories, feelings, expressed desires, and expectations for what you want to accomplish.
The only way an experienced partner can guide you through the session effectively is to understand what happened in your past, how it impacted you, and why you still have problems dealing with residual feelings.
What are some real-world stories from LGBTQ people who healed through kink?
You can read or hear many stories from LGBTQ kinksters who tried kink therapy as a way to address their mental traumas and suffering.
One such anonymous person told Go Magazine that exploring BDSM helped her overcome past trauma, specifically the art of Shibari [Japanese rope bondage].
“My partner and I have been using restraints the last year, and I have begun to feel pleasure from being submissive in a healthy, consensual way. When they restrain me, I feel a sense of power because I’m guiding them, and I’m in control of how far we go…After we finish, I sometimes weep because I’ve learned it’s okay to feel pleasure again.”
In many cases, it’s not just reconciling feelings. It’s actually re-learning to experience pleasure again, by purging feelings of shame, anger, guilt, and despair related to the trauma.
Is there any proof kink as therapy works?
There is no guarantee of anything, as personal experiences are hard to quantify. No major studies have been done in a clinical setting.
However, one study quoted in The Journal of Sexual Medicine shows promise. The study revealed that people who practiced BDSM kink sessions were “less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive and have higher subjective well-being than average.”
What is “Subspace?”
Subspace refers to a state of mind that occurs after overstimulation and one marked by the release of endorphins. and adrenaline in the body.
Subspace has been called a “trance-like state” that submissives may feel if they are pushed to their limit. It has been described as a feeling of “floaty, light-headedness, euphoria, or even an out-of-body experience.”
Unfortunately, inexperienced kinksters might confuse subspace (which is generally a good thing) with loss of consciousness, fainting, panic, or losing touch with reality.
This is why it’s important to find a partner who can pay close attention to how you’re feeling at all times, especially during a session.
💖 Final Thoughts: Kink Isn’t Just About Sex
For many queer folks, kink is:
- Spiritual (It’s not just about the body, but also cleansing the mind and “soul”)
- Restorative (It helps you become a better version of yourself)
- Identity-affirming (It helps you realize what’s important in life and who you really are)
- Community-building (It helps you make trustworthy friends and be a part of a community where there’s mutual respect and admiration)
Charlie Chaplin once said, “To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!”
In essence, when we explore kink therapy, we transform shame into play, and pain into pleasure. What was once silent, and fearful, has become something empowering to you.
Remember that almost everyone has a secret “kink.”
The brain develops these kinks because of trauma and pain. From that point, we can either conquer that kink or over-compensate for it. Exploring the kink safely is the most direct way to reduce distress and conflict in your life.
All the more so in the LGBTQIA community, where we are harassed locally, nationally, and worldwide daily.
So do yourself a favor and unburden yourself. Explore what you’re drawn to, and don’t bottle it up into an exploding or imploding rage. Address it, admit it, and own it on your own terms.
And let someone else in, to help you understand your experience and the greater human experience that unites us.